These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
