how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
