I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
