i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
