You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
