I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
