The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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