watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i think i have two assholes
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm sobbing to NWA
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