Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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