He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
