Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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