I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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