I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
