3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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