by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
