oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
