I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
