Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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