I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
