I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
