Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
