I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize