Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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