He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
