Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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