You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
