I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
