even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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