i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
