I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
