I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
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Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
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See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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