8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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