Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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