so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
