Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
