He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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