he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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