she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
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I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
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This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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