Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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