apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
