Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
