Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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