She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
