Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
