i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
