guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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