Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
