I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
