Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
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Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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