Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
