I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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