The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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