You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
