I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
